remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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