I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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