oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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