i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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