Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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