I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
