I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
