They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
