You can't special order awesome
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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