Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
