i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Randomize
