do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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