your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
