Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
