Old men and throwing up are my life now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
