I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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