You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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