did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
