so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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