Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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