My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
