they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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