My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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