I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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