guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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