The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
