I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
