I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
