It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
