i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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