I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
