I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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