mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
