Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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