my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
