Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
