The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
