Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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