I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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