so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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