He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
