I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
