first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
