i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
