did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
