Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
