I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
