I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
