i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
