I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
