god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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